Fear, in reprise

So, you've been here for a while now
Two and a half years
Of running on fumes

Waiting, resting, recovering, hoping
For a time when you've healed
Enough to move on

From all that has happened before
That you didn't process
That you couldn't

Not that you've been vegetating
But everything you did
Took extra effort

And now, suddenly, there's movement
Of things looking up
A tad too quickly

Things going well may bring in new fears
And you know you can get through
But self doubt arises

It's a little part of you--pesky, persistent
That kept you company earlier
And now lingers

But you've done your work, haven't you?
To look at all your discordant parts
And acknowledge, integrate

Let's do the one thing that has always helped
Breathe, intentionally, slowly, deeply
Synchronize the body and mind

Whatever structure they had before
Had come crashing to the ground
The foundation exposed

We've looked at the ruins, bewildered
But not surprised, and then
We surrendered

Our story wasn't over yet, tough, we knew
So we got up and dusted off
And began to rebuild

This time, slowly, (almost) patiently, kindly
We worked in spurts, we rested
Unhurried, unfettered

We're still working on the foundation
Of whatever this next chapter
Is going to be

The waves of several opportunities
Have been quietly building up
And are now coming ashore

They all look so intimidating, menacing even
But if we notice all the gifts they're carrying
We can remain present and collect them

So, breathe, darling, and let's run across the shore
With those baby steps, gathering the seashells
Like we did way back when

Prayers - I

I send a little prayer tonight
To the Is out there
That allowed me a peaceful day

Although it wasn't one
Without any hurdles
It felt nice

The peaceful feeling
That sweeps over my soul
As I retire for the night

I'm grateful for
The absence of strife
That made my day

And though I'm tempted
To pray for more such days
I'd resist the temptation

For there's a lot more
That I have to experience
Other than just peace

A whole range of feelings
That make up the life
I'm obligated to live

Stagnation

Stagnation indicates
that I've been there
too long

But when I try to move on
I notice that
the mind is stuck

I don't know
what holds me back
so taut

When will I be
absolved by
the forces that bind

How long
will I suffer
for sins unknown

Did I fail to notice
something crucial
around me

Or was it something
that I overlooked
in the days bygone

Please help me understand
I pray of thee
Oh merciful cosmos

For I cannot suffer
this arrest
any longer

Show me
your clemency
illume my world

Do what it takes
to let the shy bud
open its curl

December 19, 2007--another space

Running from pain

Trapped in the cocoon
I built around myself
I wonder what made me
Build it in the first place

It may have been an attempt
To heal the bruises and hurt
From an emotional battle
Being fought for years

To prove a silly point
Against myself
Against the one I loved
Against family

It resulted in losses
Loss of trust
Loss of innocence
Loss of the sense of purpose

And then I decided
To steel myself
From any further
Emotional damage

I set aside all painful memories
Locked and hidden away
I built a facade around me
To guard against further pain

The pain was fooled
For quite some time
But eventually it got me
The facade gave way

Now the pain
Is ubiquitous
Within the facade
And outside

However far I may run
I cannot hide
I can always feel
Its presence by my side

It's almost like family now
You may not agree with them
But you're bonded nevertheless
As nature often controls choice

PS: This was written in a simple poetic mood, not as mournful as it sounds. And yes, it's an attempt at healing too. I recently found out that the mind never forgets anything (I believed I conveniently cut out a lot of painful memories).

Upswing

It's been a long while since I felt so light
It's good to look over at the other side

Floating in my own pessimism
I felt so dull and bogged down

But I've begun to suck it up
And think straight again

Reflecting on the recent times
On things I thought and wrote about

I was amused by the time I wasted
In being disappointed with myself

But even when I went through it
I knew it was only a passing phase

The trough in a person's
Normal, hormone-driven life

I'm not yet sure whether
The bottom has passed by

But it seems like I'm seeing
Through better eyes already

This is simply an effort
To depict the changing phase

Because it's boring to visit the past
And see depression written all over the place

Quirky little bee

Sometimes there's so much to do
And so little time

At others, there's eternity beyond
And nothing to do

Often when I'm required to think
All thoughts freeze

But when I want a little mental peace
They go into overdrive

I'm known to wait for certain things
Patiently, for years

But when it's time to achieve them
I'm unforbearing

Such random, unpleasant facts about me
I frequently remember

But I'm not sure I could, or even want to
Find a cure

For, however weird and quirky
I may be

This is part of my uniqueness
Of who I am

Mirror in the attic

Once upon my lifetime
I came across a mirror
Not the glassy kind
Though it reflected well

It was something I carried
Within me for years
But didn't know it existed
Until I chanced upon it
With my eyes closed

It was locked up in
The attic of my mind
And it stood there patiently
Waiting for me
Knowing that I would
Come by some day
And be thrilled
To discover its presence

It showed me
At a glance
The current state
Of my soul
An image
Of what I was
At the time

I found it amusing
So I began
Stopping by frequently

I liked its honesty
Its wisdom and serenity

Over time it grew
To be my friend
To whom I could reach out
Regardless of time and space

While it lasted
It was pure bliss
But then
As it happens
In most relationships
I began to
Take it for granted
Even ignoring it
Once in a while

As I focussed on
All things external
My visits began
To decline in number
And then came a day
When I forgot
How to reach the attic

It took me a while
To realize this

Then came a day
When I was reminded
Of its existence
When I needed the help
It so graciously offered

Only then did I realize
What my ignorance
Had cost me

I pined for my friend
The mirror in the attic
And however tightly
I closed my eyes
I couldn't find
The entrance
In my mind

It's been a long while now
And I'm still trying
Content with the knowledge
That it's there for me
Awaiting the day
When I will find my way
Back to it

Then we'll catch up
Taking off easily
From where we lost touch

It will tell me
From its perspective
All that it observed
About me
In my absence

Yeah, my friend--the mirror
It watches over me
All the time

I will tell it
How much I missed
Being in its company
How I tried to reach out
But suffered a memory lapse

The wise fellow will then
Chuckle and say
I know that too
My dear friend

And then we'll smile
With the happiness
Of being together again
With the satisfaction
Of knowing that
This bond is breakable
Only by death

Grace

I sit here in silence tonight
Rummaging through a pile of feelings
Which one do I pick
To express in words
And present to myself

As I lay down on my warm bed
Wanting nothing more but a cool sheet
A swarm of thoughts arose
As it always does
To penetrate my sleep

My sweetheart rushed to help
Driving them away and calming me down
Then, as he turned away
To welcome his own peace
A thought shone from within

More an impulse than a thought
It was as strong and brilliant as they come
I knew there was no withholding this
So I surrendered to its power
Lest it burn down my night

So, I sit here in silence tonight
A slave to that impulse and the Master who controls it all
What I want to do this moment
Is more a necessity than a wish
It's and obligation to the Is

As I grew conscious
About the power of the Will
I have been utilizing
The same for every wish
Knowingly or otherwise

As the months passed by
And I worked towards what I wished
I saw each one of them
Being morphed from a dream
Into good, solid reality

Then came the elation
A natural successor to success
Along with a sensation
That was more grounded
Like an anchor of the soul

It was time to return
The favors bestowed upon me
To give back to the Is
The love and attention
That I so fiercely sought

To talk to the Universe
To say that I was in cognizance
Of the demands
That had been fulfilled
And prayers answered

To say my grace
At least once in a while
If not as often
Or with as much vigor
As may be necessary

And so, I sit here in silence tonight
Choosing to express that one important feeling
Presenting to the Is in myself
In return for the fruits
My gratitude, my humility

On the way back to myself

Sweet slumber, dreams tugging at your heart
You reach out and almost get hold of them
Then, a blank moment, and they're gone

Normally you'd linger on, hoping for an action replay
A replay where you can grab the elusive ending
Or change the dream somehow

All you achieve is another hallucination
Unrelated, unwanted, distressing perhaps
Or the same story with the same abrupt non-ending

Sometimes you succeed in breaking away
From the temptation that cuffs you to your bed
And brace yourself to follow your own plans

Your moves are swift and deliberate
As if you'd never laid down for the night
The battle seems a mundane chore

High on determination, you leave the house
To tread on tranquil paths
Of the world and your mind alike

This is your gift to yourself
The warmth of the sunshine
The coolness of the forest breeze

And every such gift deserves gratitude in return
For you've slain your demons
And worshiped your angels

Haven't you been missing the fun, foolish lass
For, whenever you do that, you cross my path
And it's been so long, girl, I'm glad you're back

The force within

I'm a very blessed child
Once again I realize
When I close my eyes
I can see myself as a complete human being
All my organs in place, and functioning well
A brain that works
A heart that feels
And a mind for sound judgement
I'm not a cripple
Who has to struggle through the daily grind
I'm lucky enough to be self-dependent
What more can one ask for?
Yes, I falter many a times
But at least I am able to assess that
I have the courage to accept my faults
I ability to overcome them
And the humility to learn from them
At times, I feel like a genius
When certain good ideas pop up
And then I end up congratulating myself
So I don't need others' appreciation
For my personal gratification
Every now and then I can feel the presence of the Force
The Balancing Factor, the Source of Beauty in this cosmos
And every time it comforts me
To know that it is also within me

Making love

You ask me what I'm feeling...

Now, how do I tell you what's on my mind?
How do I tell you, with so many strangers around?

Strangers, I call them, for they do not know us
They can see what we do
But they don't understand how deep it is

For them, it's just a touch, a physical contact

How would they know that it's the best way to -
Tell you how much I appreciate your presence
How much you love me for being myself, and
How happy we are to have found each other

It's only in solitude that we can surrender completely
And accept each other
With all our similarities and differences
The essence of our character

...That's what making love is all about

And that's how I want to tell you
That I've found my happiness in you

From Duality to Neutrality

Ever wondered at how the absence of one thing means
The presence of another?

Consider Truth, for example
The absence of which, identifies
The presence of a Fallacy
Just as the absence of Life ascertains
The presence of Death

Boolean values, you call them, don’t you?
Which constitute the very foundation
Of this Information Age
Digital signals, magnetic and optical storage
What have you!

Think of a Day
Whose Death itself
Gives Birth to a Night
The End of which in turn
Marks the Beginning of yet another day
This phenomenon of oscillation
That drives the universe…

Yet, existence and non-existence
Are not distinct entities
There has to be an interface that binds them
So that they don’t face each other, or get interwoven

Neutrality, I call it

As long as we “feel”
We remain part of the oscillatory wave
Vibrating between the two extremes
At our own frequencies

I perceive these, as anxiety and pleasure
Our velocity is what keeps us in motion

Ironically, during oscillation
We pass through this state of being neutral
But only momentarily

If you notice, that’s the moment
When we experience freedom
From both, joy, as well as grief

The key lies in reducing our velocity
And gradually, we’ll settle down
To this median of Neutrality

…The result of Nirvana
Derived from the Principle of Duality

Gratitude

I often wonder, if I get to thank God, how would it be?

This life I got, the love I sought
In all his kindness, he showered upon me

The basic necessities of life stand fulfilled
Without a request or a prayer

It is an indication that I am a blessed child
Given special attention and care

I do not have to struggle for existence
That peace has been granted

All I'm supposed to do is utilize the foundation
To build a strong structure of love

Love, that comes with learning
Learning through exploration
Exploring to seek answers
The quest with a passion

A passion to get acquainted with myself
To identify a part of me in everything and everyone else
To locate myself in every simultaneous time and space

And when I have done that
My purpose will be solved

I will have found
The words to express the gratitude I owe to the Almightly Soul
The courage and purity needed to stand and look up to The One
Not in arrogance, but in humility

And let the Ultimate Being embrace me
Into a life of further learning

Blessings

The early morning dewdrops
Bring freshness into my life
But I tend to ignore them
Burdened with yesterday's failures
And anxious of the days to come

Each day brings a fresh start
A whole new set of opportunities
As an answer to my prayers
But I forget that it's a blessing
And end up taking it for granted

I fail to keep in mind
That each day is just a time frame
No day is different by itself
Unless I make it stand out from the rest

It takes a few minutes of introspection like these
To sit back and reflect, every now and then
About the gifts life has given me
And what I have done with them

I need to constantly remind myself
Especially when I crib about what I lack
That what I have in hand
Is not to be assumed, nor will it stay forever

Whenever I do this kind of self-talk
I find myself better able to cope with any situation
For then, I notice the positive aspects of things
Focus, and build on them, instead of shying away

It's only when I get in touch with my inner self
That the layers of rust are washed away
To reveal the clear, calm divinity
In whose light I can learn and grow

Finding my objective

Wanted to escape for a long time now
I grabbed the chance today, somehow
Through this little verse, I intend to rebel
And scrap those problems on which I dwell

It's time to switch to a new perspective
And identify my real objective
It isn't as easy as it sounds, though
There are hurdles on every way I go

Never to get caught back in a net
Never to rest till my goal is set
I need to have a passionate aspiration
Challenges then provide all the inspiration

The absence of an objective in life
Results in a constant internal strife
And pain is all that you can inflict
With the impairing self-conflict

Well, that contradicts my true entity
'Cause I believe in my own integrity
So, today, here I make a vow
I'll find my objective, anyhow

Woke up to a new life

I'd been clinging onto a leaf
To avoid being washed down a cliff
But the moment I let go
I was surprised by the calm flow

I just woke up to a new life
That only appears full of strife
But there's no limit, no binding
Here, happiness has no ending

No more nagging and no answering to do
There's freedom, there's fun, all so new
No more tears and no emotion
Life's a journey with no destination

Life is an infinite ocean
Of which I know only a portion
But I yearn to learn more
Understand it right to the core

Guys, gals, strangers and pals
All are now equal, there's no one special
It's all just a self-imposed restriction
We burden ourselves with every relation

Dare to step into the unknown sphere
Coz you have the innate power to conquer
Let alone all the fear
And put your courage into gear

Don't be sad if there's no one with you
Remember, your only real friend, is you
Forget the gloom for a while
And then you can't help but smile

Why does this happen to me?

Why do I think I know everything so well
When I cannot explain, can't even tell

Why do some things seem to me so obvious
When others find them so great and serious

Why do I have this unending thirst for knowledge
That makes people think I'm living on the edge

What is it that hold so dear
That I'd dare to achieve it
No matter how fierce the battle
No matter how great the fear

I have this quest for excellence in all that I do
However trivial the task, or however difficult too

Expressing my thoughts seems to me impossible
Yet, the words flow from a source, calm and inaudible

The truth, I know, is unstoppable
Yet, at times, it seems unfathomable

The light of wisdom trapped inside me
Is waiting to be set free

Yet, it is me who guards my own prison
An unlimited self, caged in limitation

To break free and enlighten the surrounding
I'm about to begin and my heart is pounding

Soul Search

It's been years since I am doing this
But still seems like
I've just dusted the covers
I've a long way to go
In the direction of my soul search

Being a day-dreamer to the core
The bat of an eyelid
And I'm into this trance
Gazing at the way to go
In the direction of my soul search

The covers are peeled slowly
To reveal a tunnel
Deep, dark and mysterious
Leading to the way to go
In the direction of my soul search

As I step in there
A fear grapples my mind
Rendering me helpless
And I lose the way to go
In the direction of my soul search

Then something strange happens
A flame ignites from within
Killing the darkness
And lighting the way to go
In the direction of my soul search

As the end of the tunnel nears
The flame dies out
Giving way to the outer brightness
Showing a new way to go
In the direction of my soul search

Well, this one's a highway
Seashore lining one side
Mountain ranges lining the other
An exciting way to go
In the direction of my soul search

Now the big question arises
Mountains, or the seas?
Which path do I tread
Which way do I go
In the direction of my soul search

I turn to the ranges
Amazed by their grandeur
The snow-covered tops beckon me
I climb up the way to go
In the direction of my soul search

But soon I begin to wonder
Is it worth the effort?
And what if I make a blunder?
I turn back from the way to go
In the direction of my soul search

The tide then lowers
The current pulls me deeper
It terrifies me so much
I turn back to the way to go
In the direction of my soul search

I now find the highway better
But it doesn't last for long
The road splits into many lanes
It's a confusing way to go
In the direction of my soul search

One road leads to the desert
Another into the forest
And yet another leads to the town
Can't decide on which way to go
In the direction of my soul search

There's not a soul in sight
No one to guide me through
I feel lost & lonely
Stranded on the way to go
In the direction of my soul search

A sudden jolt wakes me up
Zaps me out of the trance
The daylight has dimmed into dusk
Another day wasted on the way to go
In the direction of my soul search

I realize I'm going nowhere
Dreams take me no further
I need to take a step in this real world
The only correct way to go
In the direction of my soul search

My same old self again

Once upon a time, I was a chirpy little girl
Once upon a time, with the wind I used to swirl
I had no worries & no hurries
Need not mention, I had not tension
I was a carefree girl, and was treated like a pearl

As time passed by, it made me fly
As time passed by, it took me high
I got my wings, forgot the swings
On could number seven up there in heaven
I found a course to ply, when I met my sweety-pie

As my world changed, I learnt a new thing
As my world changed, so did my being
It felt so nice, but to my surprise
There were ups & down, I took leaps & bounds
To reach there up above, and find out what is love

Now that I'm here, I haven't got a fear
Now that I'm here, I always want you near
To reach this place, and see you face
I suffered a lot of pain
These wounds you'll heal, and make me feel
My same old self again...