Fear, in reprise

So, you've been here for a while now
Two and a half years
Of running on fumes

Waiting, resting, recovering, hoping
For a time when you've healed
Enough to move on

From all that has happened before
That you didn't process
That you couldn't

Not that you've been vegetating
But everything you did
Took extra effort

And now, suddenly, there's movement
Of things looking up
A tad too quickly

Things going well may bring in new fears
And you know you can get through
But self doubt arises

It's a little part of you--pesky, persistent
That kept you company earlier
And now lingers

But you've done your work, haven't you?
To look at all your discordant parts
And acknowledge, integrate

Let's do the one thing that has always helped
Breathe, intentionally, slowly, deeply
Synchronize the body and mind

Whatever structure they had before
Had come crashing to the ground
The foundation exposed

We've looked at the ruins, bewildered
But not surprised, and then
We surrendered

Our story wasn't over yet, tough, we knew
So we got up and dusted off
And began to rebuild

This time, slowly, (almost) patiently, kindly
We worked in spurts, we rested
Unhurried, unfettered

We're still working on the foundation
Of whatever this next chapter
Is going to be

The waves of several opportunities
Have been quietly building up
And are now coming ashore

They all look so intimidating, menacing even
But if we notice all the gifts they're carrying
We can remain present and collect them

So, breathe, darling, and let's run across the shore
With those baby steps, gathering the seashells
Like we did way back when

Missing a friend

Been a while since I spoke to a friend
Whose words mean a lot to me
Been a while since I felt loved

Life is rushing about
And I'm barely keeping pace
So once in a while
When I get to pause
And ponder by myself
I notice the void
I'm surrounded by
And the one within

It's a crushing feeling
When I realize
I'm headed nowhere
And I see the futility of it all

I wonder how I can change things
I even make a plan
I get down to work at it one day
And it makes me feel real good

Then I meet an obstacle
And some more of its kind
I stumble and falter
Till one day
I shatter myself again

At such times
I need a friend
Who'll lend me a hand
To pull it all together
And start over again

[Wrote this a couple of months ago, I guess. Was surprised to find it in my dance-class-noteboook. Put it down here before I lose it again.]

Prayers - I

I send a little prayer tonight
To the Is out there
That allowed me a peaceful day

Although it wasn't one
Without any hurdles
It felt nice

The peaceful feeling
That sweeps over my soul
As I retire for the night

I'm grateful for
The absence of strife
That made my day

And though I'm tempted
To pray for more such days
I'd resist the temptation

For there's a lot more
That I have to experience
Other than just peace

A whole range of feelings
That make up the life
I'm obligated to live

Talking to myself

A silent moon hangs in the overcast sky

Clouds flitting past

Attempting, in vain, to hide it

The crest isn't reclining today

Flat on its back, it appears to be resting

As if asking me to relax

Me? I'm trying to stay in control

And not panic

Even though it's time I did

But if I give up now

Then who's to breathe

Who's to drag me safely to the shore

It isn't my first time in the rapids

I've been here often before

But I keep returning

Because I haven't learned

And now it also seems a little fun

To be in danger and rescue myself

Moments before being swept away

So I simply stay in the moonlight

And relish its faint golden glow

(Today it isn't silvery, you know)

Ignoring its heavenly messages

Until it's time for me to go

You, me, now

Little miss wookie

Met another one

It was a big mystery

But also full of fun

Many years in the past

Before they even met

The dice had been cast

But not part of a bet

'Twas a random sampling

To set a story in motion

It could be a bit startling

But this is no fiction

Years passed before any

Outcome could be seen

The possibilities were many

But only one could've been

One in this permutation

Among series of events

Only one combination

Producing these resultants

Their paths were interlinked

Although not clearly so

A meeting had been fixed

And that they knew, long before

So it wasn't a surprise

When they came face to face

Almost like a reprise

When they touched base

They still can't fathom

Why they're together

Their heartbeats in tandem

Their quest for each other

The "why" doesn't bother them

Amidst the beauty of "now"

The answers will come to them

Or they'll find out somehow

You know it's for you :)

Requiem for insomnia

Eyes drooping, head spinning
My body's ready to crash

But the boredom and solitude
Are upon my heart, like a gash

Cushion calls, bed beckons
But my mind refuses to rest

The wait for someone special
Is currently its primary quest

Lights dimmed, rooms silent
The world is in deep slumber

But my body can't yield to sleep
For the mind is determined to encumber

Californication

Sitting here in a faraway land

I try not to feel the distance

A week has already gone by

And it didn't feel like much

In the days before my journey

I knew I'd be back home soon

There is so much around

To keep my mind occupied

But the panicky feeling

Has begun to set in

I remember my husband

And think to myself

How he would love to experience

The things and places I've seen

Yet he sits comfortably at home

Enjoying his solitude and peace

Leaving me alone to have all the fun

That seems incomplete without him

Stagnation

Stagnation indicates
that I've been there
too long

But when I try to move on
I notice that
the mind is stuck

I don't know
what holds me back
so taut

When will I be
absolved by
the forces that bind

How long
will I suffer
for sins unknown

Did I fail to notice
something crucial
around me

Or was it something
that I overlooked
in the days bygone

Please help me understand
I pray of thee
Oh merciful cosmos

For I cannot suffer
this arrest
any longer

Show me
your clemency
illume my world

Do what it takes
to let the shy bud
open its curl

December 19, 2007--another space

Quassi-phantom limb

The soul mate continues to exist
But the connection is lost

The friends and their lives go on
But the friendship doesn't

The object is still there
But the desire isn't

The memories linger on
But the future is aborted

The possibilities will remain
But reality has conquered

The pain in the heart persists
But the disease is cured

Often I will be reminded
Of what might-have-been

The delusional sensations
Of my phantom limb

Upswing

It's been a long while since I felt so light
It's good to look over at the other side

Floating in my own pessimism
I felt so dull and bogged down

But I've begun to suck it up
And think straight again

Reflecting on the recent times
On things I thought and wrote about

I was amused by the time I wasted
In being disappointed with myself

But even when I went through it
I knew it was only a passing phase

The trough in a person's
Normal, hormone-driven life

I'm not yet sure whether
The bottom has passed by

But it seems like I'm seeing
Through better eyes already

This is simply an effort
To depict the changing phase

Because it's boring to visit the past
And see depression written all over the place

Slipping away

Been idle since so long
Letting things go all wrong

Been waiting in vain
Holding up all the pain

Been happy and sad
Also peaceful and mad

Been thinking a lot
While doing a naught

Been planning many things
But succumbing to mood swings

Been rotting in stupor each day
While my life is slipping away

Just a call away

To the nutcase
Who doesn't understand

The deep shit that he is in
Will not clear itself up

All he needs is a holler
To his alien friend

Who will come along
And offer a hand

To pull him out of the muck
And hose him down

Of all the vile mucus
That's grown on his insides

So he can breath again
And remember what it was like

Before he got stuck
In the quicksand

To set him free
In his endless sky

Where he could tap into
His own self again

And breathe in the purity
Of the vast Is

So he could wander away
To test another pit of death

Mirror in the attic

Once upon my lifetime
I came across a mirror
Not the glassy kind
Though it reflected well

It was something I carried
Within me for years
But didn't know it existed
Until I chanced upon it
With my eyes closed

It was locked up in
The attic of my mind
And it stood there patiently
Waiting for me
Knowing that I would
Come by some day
And be thrilled
To discover its presence

It showed me
At a glance
The current state
Of my soul
An image
Of what I was
At the time

I found it amusing
So I began
Stopping by frequently

I liked its honesty
Its wisdom and serenity

Over time it grew
To be my friend
To whom I could reach out
Regardless of time and space

While it lasted
It was pure bliss
But then
As it happens
In most relationships
I began to
Take it for granted
Even ignoring it
Once in a while

As I focussed on
All things external
My visits began
To decline in number
And then came a day
When I forgot
How to reach the attic

It took me a while
To realize this

Then came a day
When I was reminded
Of its existence
When I needed the help
It so graciously offered

Only then did I realize
What my ignorance
Had cost me

I pined for my friend
The mirror in the attic
And however tightly
I closed my eyes
I couldn't find
The entrance
In my mind

It's been a long while now
And I'm still trying
Content with the knowledge
That it's there for me
Awaiting the day
When I will find my way
Back to it

Then we'll catch up
Taking off easily
From where we lost touch

It will tell me
From its perspective
All that it observed
About me
In my absence

Yeah, my friend--the mirror
It watches over me
All the time

I will tell it
How much I missed
Being in its company
How I tried to reach out
But suffered a memory lapse

The wise fellow will then
Chuckle and say
I know that too
My dear friend

And then we'll smile
With the happiness
Of being together again
With the satisfaction
Of knowing that
This bond is breakable
Only by death

The mind churns

The mind churns out
solitary sentiments
from a pool of thoughts

Saddened, silly, swamped
without a doubt
disgusting

There are remnants
of once
beautiful ones

That were
ruthlessly ignored
and left to decay

They glisten now
beneath the surface
their colors darkening

But their fragrance
still evokes
the longing

To pen them on paper
and set them free
of the drench

The stink
of procrastination
looms large

All over
the swamp
of ignored thoughts

But the sweet smells
of the good ones
intermingle

And create an aura
of mixed feelings
and drudgery

A sad state

The soul brimming with ideas and thoughts
I want to share with someone
The mind numb with the clutter of daily chores
That never seem to end

While I'm seeking for something
To whisk me away from this drudgery
There's someone who expects inspiration
From this bored, world-weary lass

Yet, I tried to milk the soul
To find a drop of guidance
All that resulted was a further loss
Of energies and the sense of purpose

So smothered the poor thing lies
Beneath the pile of undertakings
For all I know it might be screaming
Under the struggle-induced deafness

These words are a desperate effort
To reach that inner, divine voice
They're my only recourse and refuge
And my connection to sanity

Longings - I

I look out the window
And see a lone tree
It rests atop a knoll
Draped in herbage

For a moment this scene
Is crystal clear
Then slowly it blurs
Behind a sheet of rain

I'm mesmerized
By this view divine
Yet I can't afford
The bliss of being there

Chained as I am
To the workplace cubicle
Under nobody's orders
But my own obligation

It's funny how we humans
Take a detour
To endless hours at work
So we can play during the rest

We slog for a secure dwelling
But yearn for adventure
We spend hours in chaotic commutes
And crave for a moment of peace

But that's the way of the world as I see it
Simple units bound into complex structures
That disintegrate into the parts
To be revived yet again

Difficult to express

Groping for thoughts
Where there exist none
Squeezing undiscovered feelings
Into words

Envisioning scenes
While staring into space
Attempting to bind fiction
Into form

Criticizing the masses
When the mirror shows your worth
Trying to silence
The warnings of your soul

Searching for answers
To questions that befuddle you
Stringing those pearls
Of wisdom unknown

Nightly Rhymes

Another night when sleep evades her
Another night when peace betrays her

A few minutes ago she would've drifted into slumber
A few minutes later, though, resting is a task of labour

She may be exhausted one night, excited the other
But sleep visits rarely, just like a perfect weather

The trouble is causes her cannot be explained
She's lucky to have her sanity retained

Brilliant ideas zoom about like fire-flies
But she can't capture them from where she lies

Repentance is then all that remains
For all those goals she never attains

Yet, she's hopeful of every single moment
For the one precious gift that it might present

The power to set her talents in motion
Helping her achieve everyday salvation

Till then, her desires will silently scream
As she drifts through every meaningless dream

Till then, the bed is a slab of burning coal
As, once again, she strangles the voices of her soul

Emptiness

A terrible void surrounding me
A terrible hollow within me

Nothing to care for
No one to live for

I wake up with a lost mind
Only to face the daily grind

There seems to be no purpose
And yes, I think it makes me nervous

Nothing to look forward to
So now, what do I do?

But when I'm almost convinced about being dead
A pain arises from the heart and ends up in the head

Just when I think I've lost all feeling
Something tells me, I need healing

To make it worse, the wounds of yesterday
Surprisingly, don't matter to me today

What then, is this pain about?
Is it love again? I doubt...

And if it is love, then why this emptiness?
Inspite of finding a soulmate, there's loneliness

A thousand questions pertaining to the future
But from an empty present, I need to venture

Insomnia

As the city rests in peaceful slumber
I dream that I'm a little plumber

Every person has leaky pipes
And all are of different types

I have mine, back home, too
But those, I seldom attend to

I get too fussy sorting out things
Analyzing the perspectives of other beings

I dwell on an issue long enough
And that adds on to the pending stuff

I need to let go of every entity
That threatens to destroy my sanity

I'm clinging on to my profession
Trying to forget every emotion

And in chasing away the phobia
I've eventually gotten insomnia