Fear, in reprise

So, you've been here for a while now
Two and a half years
Of running on fumes

Waiting, resting, recovering, hoping
For a time when you've healed
Enough to move on

From all that has happened before
That you didn't process
That you couldn't

Not that you've been vegetating
But everything you did
Took extra effort

And now, suddenly, there's movement
Of things looking up
A tad too quickly

Things going well may bring in new fears
And you know you can get through
But self doubt arises

It's a little part of you--pesky, persistent
That kept you company earlier
And now lingers

But you've done your work, haven't you?
To look at all your discordant parts
And acknowledge, integrate

Let's do the one thing that has always helped
Breathe, intentionally, slowly, deeply
Synchronize the body and mind

Whatever structure they had before
Had come crashing to the ground
The foundation exposed

We've looked at the ruins, bewildered
But not surprised, and then
We surrendered

Our story wasn't over yet, tough, we knew
So we got up and dusted off
And began to rebuild

This time, slowly, (almost) patiently, kindly
We worked in spurts, we rested
Unhurried, unfettered

We're still working on the foundation
Of whatever this next chapter
Is going to be

The waves of several opportunities
Have been quietly building up
And are now coming ashore

They all look so intimidating, menacing even
But if we notice all the gifts they're carrying
We can remain present and collect them

So, breathe, darling, and let's run across the shore
With those baby steps, gathering the seashells
Like we did way back when

Tenderness

I haven't missed you much, not really

For the longest time, after you left

All I felt was relief

I'd tried to break up several times before

But you never really left

And when we saw each other again, we knew

The chords hadn't been severed just yet

I knew 'we' had a shelf life, and yet

Or maybe, that's why, I decided to indulge

And let myself be consumed, one last time

Because I knew there's not much left

Of that innocence that each of us is born with

Some use it all up

In their first ever 'relationship'

Some, like me, are able to salvage

Bits and pieces that fall through the cracks

Of relationships that seem to mine chunks

Of that precious resource away

I'm sure there are others

Who are able to shield it within their core

While they lose other aspects of their beings

To 'relationships'

I'm left with this feeling of 'being done'
Like, I have very little left to give

Before I run out of breath

And the longer it takes

For someone special to come along

And be open to giving and receiving

In a language we both understand

The more I find myself eroding away

From that lack of connection

Then, once in a while

I have flashes of you

As I go about my day

Your deep, steady, caring voice going

"Never run the microwave on full power

...for more than a few seconds"

Or some such

And it makes me sit down and surrender

To the deluge of memories

Of you staring at me

Trying to make sense of the puzzle that I am

Of the concern in your voice

As you dispense advice on certain things

Of the tenderness in your touch towards everything

The car, your child, the ash tray, me

The very touch, also firm - so full of care

Held a sense of ownership that's so very rare

Everything about you, with you

Was fragile, though, and felt tentative

Like it could shatter, or be gone, at any moment

Was I not careful enough, or gentle enough

Everything, except that tenderness

It was like a force of nature

The gravity that held 'us' together

As the galaxies of our lives

Move further and further apart

The force grows weaker

But I know now what it takes to hold

The fabric of my universe together

Being-writing-reading-feeling

Sometimes I read

About my past

In an old

Journal entry

It's like talking

To a friend

Reminiscing about the days

We spent together

There are moments

Of recognition

Epiphanies that arrive

In retrospect

Patterns that went

Unnoticed, back then

Because I was

At the epicenter

Over the years

These conversations

Have guided me

Into the now

My absurd dreams

Leave me in splits

As I think of them

All over again

Things I may have

Completely forgotten

Surprise me, and

Come alive, again

Feelings expressed

On paper

But suppressed

In my body

They sometimes

Make it out

And roll down

My surprised cheeks

I know not

What the future holds

But the past

Has been my friend

The pleasure in the pain

Sometimes

I find joy

In shedding tears

For the love

That we may never share

In the same way again

Come!

It's raining right now
Just the way you like it

The heavens are drenching
The path to my home

You can see the vapors rise
As the light falls on the street

Raindrops slide down the leaves
As a stray breeze caresses the tree

The sounds of the monsoon outside
And my erratic heartbeat within

The stage is set for your arrival
Come, let a new story begin

Lost in finding you

Sometimes I feel
Overwhelmed
With love
For you

When you love me
Though
I can't quite believe
It's true

Sometimes
When you speak
Thoughts
Stolen from my mind

I can't tell
Are you a reflection
Or are we just
Infinite mirrors

Hey!

No matter how busy I may be
No matter all that happens in a day

No matter how many people I meet
No matter all the activities I do

There's always that one moment
That I look forward to
Nay, that I need

When I set aside everything else
No matter how important
Or how critical

To curl up beside you and
Slide under your arm, free or not

To bury my nose
In the side of your neck

And as you bend down
To kiss my forehead

To whisper
In your ear
"Hey! I don't think I'll love you enough, ever!"