Fear, in reprise

So, you've been here for a while now
Two and a half years
Of running on fumes

Waiting, resting, recovering, hoping
For a time when you've healed
Enough to move on

From all that has happened before
That you didn't process
That you couldn't

Not that you've been vegetating
But everything you did
Took extra effort

And now, suddenly, there's movement
Of things looking up
A tad too quickly

Things going well may bring in new fears
And you know you can get through
But self doubt arises

It's a little part of you--pesky, persistent
That kept you company earlier
And now lingers

But you've done your work, haven't you?
To look at all your discordant parts
And acknowledge, integrate

Let's do the one thing that has always helped
Breathe, intentionally, slowly, deeply
Synchronize the body and mind

Whatever structure they had before
Had come crashing to the ground
The foundation exposed

We've looked at the ruins, bewildered
But not surprised, and then
We surrendered

Our story wasn't over yet, tough, we knew
So we got up and dusted off
And began to rebuild

This time, slowly, (almost) patiently, kindly
We worked in spurts, we rested
Unhurried, unfettered

We're still working on the foundation
Of whatever this next chapter
Is going to be

The waves of several opportunities
Have been quietly building up
And are now coming ashore

They all look so intimidating, menacing even
But if we notice all the gifts they're carrying
We can remain present and collect them

So, breathe, darling, and let's run across the shore
With those baby steps, gathering the seashells
Like we did way back when

Stagnation

Stagnation indicates
that I've been there
too long

But when I try to move on
I notice that
the mind is stuck

I don't know
what holds me back
so taut

When will I be
absolved by
the forces that bind

How long
will I suffer
for sins unknown

Did I fail to notice
something crucial
around me

Or was it something
that I overlooked
in the days bygone

Please help me understand
I pray of thee
Oh merciful cosmos

For I cannot suffer
this arrest
any longer

Show me
your clemency
illume my world

Do what it takes
to let the shy bud
open its curl

December 19, 2007--another space

Running from pain

Trapped in the cocoon
I built around myself
I wonder what made me
Build it in the first place

It may have been an attempt
To heal the bruises and hurt
From an emotional battle
Being fought for years

To prove a silly point
Against myself
Against the one I loved
Against family

It resulted in losses
Loss of trust
Loss of innocence
Loss of the sense of purpose

And then I decided
To steel myself
From any further
Emotional damage

I set aside all painful memories
Locked and hidden away
I built a facade around me
To guard against further pain

The pain was fooled
For quite some time
But eventually it got me
The facade gave way

Now the pain
Is ubiquitous
Within the facade
And outside

However far I may run
I cannot hide
I can always feel
Its presence by my side

It's almost like family now
You may not agree with them
But you're bonded nevertheless
As nature often controls choice

PS: This was written in a simple poetic mood, not as mournful as it sounds. And yes, it's an attempt at healing too. I recently found out that the mind never forgets anything (I believed I conveniently cut out a lot of painful memories).

Effort

It's always been like this in here
I have to keep waiting and hold back a tear

Al my wishes, my every desire
Requires me to walk through fire

At times it's easy and rather quick
Seems like it was only a trick

At other times it goes on and on
Till my faith is tattered and torn

But then, I survive yet again
And realize, it's not all in vain

The object of my desire is gifted to me
Just as I had imagined it to be

But then, I look back at the incident
And remember, it hasn't been an accident

It was my effort and determination
That helped magnetize this satisfaction

Dealing with fear

Ever noticed, how your fears surface when you're asleep?
You dream about them and cannot help but weep

They take your peace away
They scare you in every way

You sleep longer than you need
To no alarm can you then pay heed

You linger on the bed, trying to run away from them
While they go on and multiply, each to the power of ten

This goes on till you stop dead in the tracks
And rack your brains to gather the facts

Then you remember you're just lying down with your eyes closed
And the fears would not be known to you, had you not dozed

Thankful for the realization, you turn to face them
And then they appear crystal clear, as the ridges of a gem

You can't help but laugh at yourself
To think you've made a monster out of an elf

The simple solution then dawns upon you
You just get out of bed and you're through

Fears cannot be dealt with when you're asleep
You just have to drag them and throw them off a cliff

With the fears gone, you can not only tackle problems head-on
But also retain the solutions, in case you need them later on