Fear, in reprise

So, you've been here for a while now
Two and a half years
Of running on fumes

Waiting, resting, recovering, hoping
For a time when you've healed
Enough to move on

From all that has happened before
That you didn't process
That you couldn't

Not that you've been vegetating
But everything you did
Took extra effort

And now, suddenly, there's movement
Of things looking up
A tad too quickly

Things going well may bring in new fears
And you know you can get through
But self doubt arises

It's a little part of you--pesky, persistent
That kept you company earlier
And now lingers

But you've done your work, haven't you?
To look at all your discordant parts
And acknowledge, integrate

Let's do the one thing that has always helped
Breathe, intentionally, slowly, deeply
Synchronize the body and mind

Whatever structure they had before
Had come crashing to the ground
The foundation exposed

We've looked at the ruins, bewildered
But not surprised, and then
We surrendered

Our story wasn't over yet, tough, we knew
So we got up and dusted off
And began to rebuild

This time, slowly, (almost) patiently, kindly
We worked in spurts, we rested
Unhurried, unfettered

We're still working on the foundation
Of whatever this next chapter
Is going to be

The waves of several opportunities
Have been quietly building up
And are now coming ashore

They all look so intimidating, menacing even
But if we notice all the gifts they're carrying
We can remain present and collect them

So, breathe, darling, and let's run across the shore
With those baby steps, gathering the seashells
Like we did way back when

Tenderness

I haven't missed you much, not really

For the longest time, after you left

All I felt was relief

I'd tried to break up several times before

But you never really left

And when we saw each other again, we knew

The chords hadn't been severed just yet

I knew 'we' had a shelf life, and yet

Or maybe, that's why, I decided to indulge

And let myself be consumed, one last time

Because I knew there's not much left

Of that innocence that each of us is born with

Some use it all up

In their first ever 'relationship'

Some, like me, are able to salvage

Bits and pieces that fall through the cracks

Of relationships that seem to mine chunks

Of that precious resource away

I'm sure there are others

Who are able to shield it within their core

While they lose other aspects of their beings

To 'relationships'

I'm left with this feeling of 'being done'
Like, I have very little left to give

Before I run out of breath

And the longer it takes

For someone special to come along

And be open to giving and receiving

In a language we both understand

The more I find myself eroding away

From that lack of connection

Then, once in a while

I have flashes of you

As I go about my day

Your deep, steady, caring voice going

"Never run the microwave on full power

...for more than a few seconds"

Or some such

And it makes me sit down and surrender

To the deluge of memories

Of you staring at me

Trying to make sense of the puzzle that I am

Of the concern in your voice

As you dispense advice on certain things

Of the tenderness in your touch towards everything

The car, your child, the ash tray, me

The very touch, also firm - so full of care

Held a sense of ownership that's so very rare

Everything about you, with you

Was fragile, though, and felt tentative

Like it could shatter, or be gone, at any moment

Was I not careful enough, or gentle enough

Everything, except that tenderness

It was like a force of nature

The gravity that held 'us' together

As the galaxies of our lives

Move further and further apart

The force grows weaker

But I know now what it takes to hold

The fabric of my universe together

Being-writing-reading-feeling

Sometimes I read

About my past

In an old

Journal entry

It's like talking

To a friend

Reminiscing about the days

We spent together

There are moments

Of recognition

Epiphanies that arrive

In retrospect

Patterns that went

Unnoticed, back then

Because I was

At the epicenter

Over the years

These conversations

Have guided me

Into the now

My absurd dreams

Leave me in splits

As I think of them

All over again

Things I may have

Completely forgotten

Surprise me, and

Come alive, again

Feelings expressed

On paper

But suppressed

In my body

They sometimes

Make it out

And roll down

My surprised cheeks

I know not

What the future holds

But the past

Has been my friend

The pleasure in the pain

Sometimes

I find joy

In shedding tears

For the love

That we may never share

In the same way again

Come!

It's raining right now
Just the way you like it

The heavens are drenching
The path to my home

You can see the vapors rise
As the light falls on the street

Raindrops slide down the leaves
As a stray breeze caresses the tree

The sounds of the monsoon outside
And my erratic heartbeat within

The stage is set for your arrival
Come, let a new story begin

Lost in finding you

Sometimes I feel
Overwhelmed
With love
For you

When you love me
Though
I can't quite believe
It's true

Sometimes
When you speak
Thoughts
Stolen from my mind

I can't tell
Are you a reflection
Or are we just
Infinite mirrors

Hey!

No matter how busy I may be
No matter all that happens in a day

No matter how many people I meet
No matter all the activities I do

There's always that one moment
That I look forward to
Nay, that I need

When I set aside everything else
No matter how important
Or how critical

To curl up beside you and
Slide under your arm, free or not

To bury my nose
In the side of your neck

And as you bend down
To kiss my forehead

To whisper
In your ear
"Hey! I don't think I'll love you enough, ever!"

Thirty one days

...since I held you last

My fingers tremble
as they put pen to paper
walking the tightrope that sways
as the heart pulls in one direction
and the mind pulls back in the other

The incline of the letters on this page
betrays my internal state
even as I want to express
but not give it all away

The mind knows that all we have, really
is this moment, the now
The heart, meanwhile
is ensconced in those bygone

Each day by myself
I have a dozen conversations with you
Some I let spill over into text
others waft away into the ethers
of the bubble that is my existence

The mind steps in, once in a while
so I don't lose touch with reality
and so if when I meet you again
maybe I can embrace you
wordlessly

2020.04.01 17:12

A tender union

Last night was chaos
A much anticipated one
It was quite tame, though
When I pictured it before

And yet, it came to be
So effortlessly
Conversations carried over
Through words into touch

The hours we spent
Merging and separating
Flutter around my mind
And singe my skin

Running your fingers
Through my hair
You reached into
Some unformed thoughts

And as you turned around,
little spoon
To kiss me mid-sentence
It just made complete sense

You breath on my neck
Fingers intertwining
Our lips and tongues
Sharing tales of pure desire

It grew into a play
Of hearts reverberating
Through moments
Of contented silence

Our lovemaking
A celebration
Of our uniqueness
And kind spirits

You and I

You shower me with praises everyday
You try to make me happy in every way

You love it when I say I'm thinking of you
You smile to yourself when I toss a question at you

You wonder what to do when we go on a date
Your eyes well up when I drop you off at the gate

I look forward to spending time with you
I enjoy the process of getting to know you

You analyze my expressions at every chance
You love it when I give you that sideways glance

You follow my every move with your eyes
You want me to be naughty and not just nice

You often make me want to hold you tight in my arms
Your touch lingers on in my mind as do your charms

I love having you on my mind all day
I love the way you love me in every way

Love is a four-legged word

Him

Your sister was our first choice
The one we planned to make ours
But then we came across your mate
So we eyed that brother of yours

He happened to be taken away
By the family of your father
And you were the lone little boy
Among your sisters and your mother

We brought you home one day
As a companion to your mate
But not once did we imagine
That it was all a part of fate

It was as if you were born to us
So uncanny was the resemblance
That we share such a connection
Can't be just a coincidence

You're smart, sensitive, strong
Also adorable and quirky
To call you our own, dear Mojo
We've been really lucky!

You never discriminate between us
The mush-pot and the nerd
And everyday you remind us
That love is a four-legged word

Her

It was difficult to find you
Your house was somewhat hidden
But when I laid my eyes on you
Boy, was I smitten!

Your velvety ears I first noticed
Your spunk I couldn't resist
For a few moments there
The world ceased to exist

When I held you in my arms
My heart just went "awww!"
Had heard of love at first sight
Well, I've experienced it now

You seem to be a part of us
And we find comfort in you
You brighten our lives every day
You cheer us when we're blue

You're cute, energetic, intuitive
Also, sensible and cocky
To call you our own, dear Phoebe
We've been really lucky!

You always tell us how you feel
And you make sure you're heard
And everyday you remind us
That love is a four-legged word

Them

Together, Mojo and Phoebe
You make our lives joyful
The world seems more bearable
And for that we're very grateful

Monday, Sep 12, 2011 @ 3:25 am

If only

If only I could understand solitude
Instead of feeling lonely

If only I could read those romances
Without wanting them so badly

If only I didn't ask Why
When one of them ended

If only you hadn't responded
Attempting to explain

If only we didn't seek in each other
Those romances we read

If only I would listen
To the nagging in my head

If only I didn't fall so easily
For all the things you said

If only I had put it all together
Up there in my head

If only I didn't hand out my heart
As easily as in the past

If only I could realize sooner
The lies and the deceit

If only I could believe I was
Being taken for a ride

If only you were the truth
Not the fallacy I faced

If only those dreams remained
Intact as they were

If only the innocence were not
Betrayed over and over

If only you remained the friend
I thought you were

If only I can rekindle the hope
You doused when you left

If only I can learn to trust
All over again

If only I could uncork that
Which now lies sealed

If only I could ever feel
My wounds being healed

If only I could give again
As I gave to you

Pure, unquestioning, pristine, and true

A piceless possession

I envy your friends
They get to be with you

Amongst them I pity those
That remain ignorant of your value

Missing a friend

Been a while since I spoke to a friend
Whose words mean a lot to me
Been a while since I felt loved

Life is rushing about
And I'm barely keeping pace
So once in a while
When I get to pause
And ponder by myself
I notice the void
I'm surrounded by
And the one within

It's a crushing feeling
When I realize
I'm headed nowhere
And I see the futility of it all

I wonder how I can change things
I even make a plan
I get down to work at it one day
And it makes me feel real good

Then I meet an obstacle
And some more of its kind
I stumble and falter
Till one day
I shatter myself again

At such times
I need a friend
Who'll lend me a hand
To pull it all together
And start over again

[Wrote this a couple of months ago, I guess. Was surprised to find it in my dance-class-noteboook. Put it down here before I lose it again.]

Prayers - I

I send a little prayer tonight
To the Is out there
That allowed me a peaceful day

Although it wasn't one
Without any hurdles
It felt nice

The peaceful feeling
That sweeps over my soul
As I retire for the night

I'm grateful for
The absence of strife
That made my day

And though I'm tempted
To pray for more such days
I'd resist the temptation

For there's a lot more
That I have to experience
Other than just peace

A whole range of feelings
That make up the life
I'm obligated to live

Talking to myself

A silent moon hangs in the overcast sky

Clouds flitting past

Attempting, in vain, to hide it

The crest isn't reclining today

Flat on its back, it appears to be resting

As if asking me to relax

Me? I'm trying to stay in control

And not panic

Even though it's time I did

But if I give up now

Then who's to breathe

Who's to drag me safely to the shore

It isn't my first time in the rapids

I've been here often before

But I keep returning

Because I haven't learned

And now it also seems a little fun

To be in danger and rescue myself

Moments before being swept away

So I simply stay in the moonlight

And relish its faint golden glow

(Today it isn't silvery, you know)

Ignoring its heavenly messages

Until it's time for me to go

You, me, now

Little miss wookie

Met another one

It was a big mystery

But also full of fun

Many years in the past

Before they even met

The dice had been cast

But not part of a bet

'Twas a random sampling

To set a story in motion

It could be a bit startling

But this is no fiction

Years passed before any

Outcome could be seen

The possibilities were many

But only one could've been

One in this permutation

Among series of events

Only one combination

Producing these resultants

Their paths were interlinked

Although not clearly so

A meeting had been fixed

And that they knew, long before

So it wasn't a surprise

When they came face to face

Almost like a reprise

When they touched base

They still can't fathom

Why they're together

Their heartbeats in tandem

Their quest for each other

The "why" doesn't bother them

Amidst the beauty of "now"

The answers will come to them

Or they'll find out somehow

You know it's for you :)

Requiem for insomnia

Eyes drooping, head spinning
My body's ready to crash

But the boredom and solitude
Are upon my heart, like a gash

Cushion calls, bed beckons
But my mind refuses to rest

The wait for someone special
Is currently its primary quest

Lights dimmed, rooms silent
The world is in deep slumber

But my body can't yield to sleep
For the mind is determined to encumber

Wookies, Inc.

A friend, a partner, a symbiotic being

He was, at once, a thousand different things

It all began over the internet

Which was his playground and his bait

His words were music to our ears

He appeared wise beyond his years

We'd hang on to every word he'd say

As he made passionate promises each day

His ideas seemed like twins of ours

In his thoughts, we whiled away the hours

Our hearts were branded by his indelible marks

His intimate expressions would always generate sparks

Eventually, the sparks turned into a wildfire

Who knew he'd turn out to be a pathological liar

Even through the heartbreak and pain he inflicted

We refused to believe that he really could be wicked

As we wandered, heartbroken and alone

Across the distance, like beacons we shone

With our shared pain and words to console

We grew into a little sisterhood of the soul

And even though we fell prey to his deception

We found an excuse to wish him redemption

For, however badly we suffered at his hands

He linked us together, and above all it stands

Dedicated, obviously, to my dear sphinx:

The illusion of a wookie lost

And a true one found

Californication

Sitting here in a faraway land

I try not to feel the distance

A week has already gone by

And it didn't feel like much

In the days before my journey

I knew I'd be back home soon

There is so much around

To keep my mind occupied

But the panicky feeling

Has begun to set in

I remember my husband

And think to myself

How he would love to experience

The things and places I've seen

Yet he sits comfortably at home

Enjoying his solitude and peace

Leaving me alone to have all the fun

That seems incomplete without him